Even A Warrior's Heart
by Tahiri Solo
Summary: After Dark Journey, Tenel Ka writes a letter to Jacen . . . Not my happiest fic, but if it makes you sad then go read the summary for Traitor. (Coming out this Oct.) It should make you happy. :)


Even A Warrior's Heart  
By Tahiri Solo  
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Disclaimer: All the characters, places, and such mentioned in this fic are the property of Lucasfilm. I own nothing and am in no way getting paid for this story. Also, if this bears any resemblance to stories written by others, that is purely coincidental. No infringement is intended.  
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A young woman stood completely still in a royal chamber on Hapes, lit from moonlight mixed with artificial light coming in from outside. She hadn't even bothered to close the window coverings. Her long red hair had come undone from its intricate bun on top of her head and now hung down to her waist. The room was silent save for the sound of her breathing and the one small sigh that escaped her lips. A solitary tear traced a salty line down her cheek.  
Her hand reached up to wipe the tear away, and she stared at it with a detached surprise. Then, with startling abruptness, she turned and headed for the small yet lavish desk positioned in one corner of her chambers. She sat down, picked up the writing stylus with a hand that trembled, and began to write.   
  
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If I could have just one wish, it would be to see you again, even if only for a minute. There are so many things I need to tell you . . .   
Since I know I will never be able to speak to you again, I chose to write you this letter. I like to think that you're standing over my shoulder watching me as I write this, and that all I have to do is look up and you'll be there, smiling down at me with that lopsided grin of yours that I always loved.   
I feel so alone now. My mother is gone, leaving only my father and grandmother to guide me in my new duties as queen. Despite the fact that I have been trained for this my entire life, I despise politics, and have to wonder if I made the right choice in deciding to become Queen. I remember how supportive you were of me after my accident, and I need that support now, to reassure me that I made, and am making, the right decisions. No one has ever known me like you did, and you could soothe me with a simple smile or squeeze of the hand. You had no idea how much you could affect me. I need you. I've always needed you, and I always will need you.  
But it is my own fault you are no longer here with me - with us. I left you in that worldship, when I should have gone back to rescue you. There is no excuse for this - I know you would have gone back to rescue me, or any other member of our strike team. I want - no, need - to apologize, but the words "I'm sorry" are far too pale to reflect my feelings of guilt. All I can say is that my failure will haunt me every day for the rest of my life, until I die and am finally reunited with you once more.   
No one has any idea of how much you meant to me. Even you yourself did not understand, at least not fully. You were my best friend and closest companion, and you meant more to me than anyone else in this entire galaxy. I would have followed you anywhere - absolutely anywhere. You disappeared into an abyss where you are lost to us forever, where none of us can reach you . . . and I want, yearn, to follow you even there.   
The only thing that keeps me from doing so is my responsibilities to my people. If something were to happen to me, one of my cousins would likely end up taking the throne, and I can't allow that to happen. Devious as they are, Force only knows what would happen to Hapes, especially in such times as we are all facing now. It would be selfish to end my life and follow you, as much as I long to do so, to be free of this prison my life has become without you.   
My only hope, the one thing that I am clinging to, is that you can somehow read this and know what I am thinking and feeling. I know it is probably a vain hope, but you are with the Force and the Force is everywhere, so perhaps you are with me. The thought gives me some comfort.   
As I said earlier, there are many things I need to tell you. The most important of these things is something I should have told you a long time ago, but fear and ignorance prevented me from doing so, and I know I will never get the chance now, save for this letter.  
If you are indeed watching me write this, you know that my hand is trembling and that my eyes are filled with tears that I refuse to shed. Even simply writing this little phrase, these few small words that I never had the courage to tell you, is almost unbearably hard.   
I love you.  
I can't hold back the tears now. They're falling from my eyes and sliding down my cheeks to land on this letter, but I'm not bothering to wipe them away. Oh, Jacen, I love you so much, more than I ever imagined was even possible.  
It's hard for me to believe that I can love someone so much and yet that fate could be so cruel to never allow me to have the chance to tell them so.  
But how can I blame fate for my own stupidity? I can only blame it for tearing you so viciously, so prematurely, away from me. I had many opportunities to let you know how I feel, but I never took advantage of any of them, perhaps out of fear of losing my best friend if you did not return my feelings.   
Am I stupid, Jacen? Stupid for not telling you how I feel? Or stupid for ever imagining that you could feel the same way about me? I realize that you likely only saw me as an old friend, nothing more. Despite everything, though, I can't help but wonder what it would have been like, to have you hold me close enough to feel your heart beating, to feel your lips caress mine . . .   
I know that I will never love anyone like I loved you. You were my first, and only, love. Nothing will ever change that. I know that my grandmother will one day want me to marry or at least take a royal consort in order to produce an heir to the throne, but even thinking of that seems to twist a knife in my chest. How can I give myself to another if I belong to you?   
I am probably the only Dathomiri woman in history to have ever said that she belongs to a man. But you captured my heart and I truly believe that it died along with you. I can still feel it beating in my chest, but it's as if it isn't even there. I feel numb. Raw. I am battered and distraught, and I seek an end to my agony. Yet I know that the only thing that can comfort me is you, and therefore I will be tormented until we are reunited once more.   
Oh, how can I be so selfish? I have no idea what tortures you suffered at the hands of the Yuuzhan Vong. It makes me sick to think of what they might have done to you on that worldship. I wish I had been there with you, to take your pain or at the very least hold you close to me and offer you comfort and temporary relief.   
How could I have done this? How could I have let my best friend die like that - die alone? I hope you realized that you weren't truly alone. My thoughts and heart never strayed from you, no matter what dangers we ourselves were facing. I pray you could feel me there with you, knew you weren't alone, sensed how much I love you.  
We've always shared an incredibly close bond and been completely open with each other, so perhaps you could feel me there. I feel slightly better at that thought. It does nothing to soothe the ache of you leaving me, but it does help to alleviate the guilt, at least somewhat.  
I'm being assaulted with more emotions right now than I've ever been before, Cloud City included. I can't even begin to describe them to you. Horrible, raging grief combined with terrible guilt, and an incredible need to see you, to hear your voice, to apologize and feel you take me in your arms and tell me everything is all right.   
I just . . . I just need to know that you don't hate me. If you hated me, I would die. I just would absolutely not be able to bear that. This uncertainty hurts almost as much. Oh, Jacen, please don't hate me. Please.  
I love you so much, and I would have died in your place if you had but asked. Just please don't hate me. Let me feel you here with me.   
Jacen, as much as I hate giving up my only connection to you, I can't write this anymore. Writing these things is just too painful. I think I've gotten my points across and that you know how I feel. I pray I have.   
Before I finish writing, there is one thing I must ask of you.   
Will you wait for me? When I die, whenever that may be, will I see you standing there waiting for me with open arms? I need to know that we'll be together again. The thought of that is the only thing that keeps me going on, the only thing preventing me from completely falling apart.  
Please wait for me, Jacen.  
Because even a warrior's heart can be broken.  
  
I love you,   
Tenel Ka  
  
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With a sigh and unfamiliar tears streaming down her cheeks, Tenel Ka stood up and stumbled over to her bed on legs that trembled. She collapsed face down on the mattress, and, acting completely unlike herself, wept bitterly. As she lay there, aware of nothing but her grief, she cried out the name of the one she loved - and the one she had left behind . . .   
Because even a warrior's heart can be broken. 


End file.
